Life Lesson #2: Do everything in your power to ensure that you are the best you you can be.

About a week ago my friend, Princess Buttercup, said I'm the funniest person she's ever met and that I should write a blog in order to share my intellectual wit with the world. Okay, those may not have been her exact words but that's what I chose to hear. I started this wonderfully funny blog called "The Best Advice I Never Got" and had three posts done along with my pages...than blogger got a bug up it's ass and was down for the weekend and had to delete it. I was not thrilled. This is it's sequel, I suppose. I find it tedius and redundant since I have already done the basics but, alas, here I go again (I like the word alas, I feel it makes me sound dignified, now all I need is a sweet hat.)

The purpose of this blog is not only to make you laugh, preferrably at other people, but to enlighten you with Life Lessons. While today's is more of the serious nature, not all will be. You should do your best to write them down, memorize them and follow them religiously. Some are based on common sense (which isn't, apparently, as common as you would think), others are based on observation (Life Lesson #20: If you are running to STAY in shape, you can run shirtless. If you are running to GET in shape, cover it up.) and still others are based on listening to my friends and family. I also hope this blog will make you realize how sane your family is in comparison to mine and Wesley's (more on him later) and how easy your life is since you don't have to deal with my mother. While you may have your doubts that my stories are true, sadly, they are all true though no one will be mentioned by their real names unless they are a celebrity (see Characters page).
Today is May 18, the third year anniversary of my sobriety. It's kind of a serious topic for my first post but it's a HUGE deal so I have to write about it. I used to be a lush, drank a lot, not often but when I did I didn't have just one or two drinks, more like one or two bottles of wine or a bottle of gin or a case of beer. You get my meaning. I would black out every time I drank, I guess that's not the norm???, and would be hung-over for at least 24 hours afterwards. Oh, yeah, and I was a major slut while I was drunk. In my opinion there are the following types of drunks: assholes, sluts, funs, criers, lovers and stoners. Assholes, well that should be pretty clear, they become mean when they drink. Sluts should also be clear. Funs are the people who drink and are wonderful to be around, sometimes Funs can turn into the others when they imbide too much. Criers are the people who start bawling when they drink *see high school girls or sorority sister. Lovers are the people who just LOVE you, know matter if you just met them, they tend to get annoying fast. Stoners are the ones who seem to zone out once they drink making people believe they are drugged up instead of merely drunk. I'm sure everyone can relate and yes, you are one of the above when drunk. Anyway, I was a slut and never in control of my drink. This led to numerous problems. Three years ago I stopped drinking, one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm still fun, duh I AM awesome, I'm much smarter, richer and a way better person, as hard as it is to believe I wasn't always THIS awesome but I have always been this humble.
In all seriousness, if I hadn't stopped drinking, I would either be in jail, off the grid or probably addicted to something else. I know for sure I wouldn't be able to be the Mom I am to Gus if I was drinking. Gus is the most important thing in my life and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I am the best mother possible for him, which means staying sober and getting a college degree. Okay, I'm done with that, on to the fun topics!
Yesterday Gus and I stayed home together even though it was a Tuesday. His daycare called late Sunday night to say that her husband as having emergency surgery Monday morning so daycare would be cancelled. I was okay with this as 1: She obviously coudn't help it and 2: I knew I where I would find a sitter. I immediately called up TweedleDum and asked her if she could watch Gus for the day, she was one part of his two part babysitting team that had been watching him all winter when I needed a sitter but TweedleDee was out of town so she'd be flying solo. She said of course and I was good to go. If I could go back and do it over, I would. From 8AM until 5PM she didn't change his diaper once (he's 18 months old), didn't feed him (I saw him over lunch and gave him some Fruit Loops as a snack, she had agreed to make him mac and cheese but apparently never did), didn't give him anything to drink, didn't let him nap and while she did take him to the Zoo, she let him drag his blankie on the ground than put it back into this mouth. You know the cliche "seeing red"? Yeah, that's how mad I was. I have never wanted to phsyically harm someone so much in my life, at the very least I wanted to reduce her to tears. I also now know what the term "Mother Bear" means, because that's how protective I felt of Gus.

(Side Note: Why, when I google search images of mother bear protecting cub, do pictures of a drunk Amy Winehouse show up? WTH?) I took him home, feed him THREE helpings of mac and cheese, gave him a bath and he was asleep in my arms an hour before normal. He was exhausted and kept looking at me as if to say, "What were you thinking, leaving me with that brainless twit?" (Does anyone say Twit anymore?) I felt horrible. Since daycare was still out of commission yesterday, I stayed home with him, spoiled him rotten, let him take a 4 hour nap and eat his favorite snacks. I think he has recovered fully but I'm guessing next time he sees TweedleDum he'll go screaming in the other way.
While we were hanging out yesterday, Gus and I went shopping for a gift for Cocoa Von Hoffman's daughter who is turning three today. I haven't been toy shopping for a little girl in a LONG time as I only have a nephew and one friend with a child has a son. Have you been down the toy section lately? It's like walking down Vegas Strip! Seriously, what are toy companies thinking making dolls like these?

I knew about the Bratz dolls, which are basically promoting prostitution, but now these? Do they come with their own sets of STDs and needles? What ever happened to the good old fashioned Barbie dolls? Yes, I know I sound old and yes I know Barbie wasn't proportional or whatever and that supposedly she had a bad imfluence on girls' self-images but what the hell are these dolls promoting? Stay out of the sun? Don't eat? Wear tiny clothes and platform shoes? At least make some dolls with fashion sense.

At least I won't have to worry about these things with Gus. He currently loves to play with blocks and balls. He also enjoys my cell phone and pots and pans. I can handle those. Maybe I'll stroll him down the girls' aisle when he's a little older and show him dolls and say, "Now these are the tramps that you want to stay away from..."