For as long as I can remember, my mom and I have not gotten along. I am sure that we used to, there are pictures of us when I was younger where we seemingly got along but I don't think we were ever that stereotypical Mom/Daughter that told each other everything, gossiped about boys, stayed up late baking, all of that Donna Reed nonsense. Instead, most of my childhood memories are, well, let's just say unpleasant when it comes to my mother.
I am my father's daughter and make no attempt to hide the fact that I am a Daddy's Girl. My dad and I have the same sense of humor, are both laid back and roll with the punches. How my mom and dad ever ended up together is beyond my realm of understanding. I'm assuming there was a large amount of alcohol involved and maybe my maternal grandfather gave my dad lots of goats...I don't know but they've been married for 30+ years now much to my dismay. I've been with the woman 25+ years and trust me, if I could've divorced her, I would've.
I really don't know why we don't get along. Oh wait, yeah I do. THE WOMAN IS INSANE. Seriously, certifiable. It is as if when you talk to her, the words/message get misconstrued in the air and reformed when they reach her mind. She hears something completely different than what you said to her or doesn't her it all. She is also the worst at making decisions. I used to think it was because she had no backbone but now I believe it's because she doesn't want to be blamed for making the "wrong" decision. This enables her to say, "See! I told you we should've gone with ...." Really? Actually you didn't make a decision either way so you should really shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
Okay deeps breaths.
For the past, God I don't know, twelve or so years, my mom has been 'working on herself'. She believes that she has come a long way from the person she used to be back in the '90s. To be fair, she has improved-she isn't as quick to anger (it takes her 30 seconds now instead of 3), she thinks before she acts (she has a 'rational' explanation for all she does) and she doesn't use brute force to get her way (she also uses manipulation, tears, passive aggression AND brute force). So you see, she really has come a long way. Perhaps, the most annoying part of this process is that fact that she constantly and consistently asks/tells me "See, I'm getting better, aren't I?" I stopped answering a long time ago, instead I just kind of purse my lips and look at her, trying to telepathically tell her, You are so full of shit and insane to boot.
Perhaps one of the most frustrating parts of our relationship is my father and other outsiders. Everyone claims that my mother will never change, that she will only get worse with age, that I need to accept how she is and just deal with it and her. I refuse to accept that bullshit sandwich. My mother is 53 years old, she is not senile and for all intents and purposes is healthy. There is no reason she cannot change. There is no reason why she cannot open her eyes and see how racist she is, a product of growing up in a small Middle of Nowhere town. She cannot see how blind she is to the ways of the world, a product of not traveling the country, the world, of not seeing what is right in front of her face. There is no reason for her to treat my father like an imbecile, for her to blame everything on him, for her to start the day angry and end the day even angrier. There is no reason why she cannot cut the freaking cord that she thinks is tying herself to me, why she cannot realize that I am grown up, still need to grow up but need to do it on my own. I used to think that she couldn't let my brother and myself go because she needed someone to take care of but now I think it's because she needs to control someone. She's frickin' insane.
Can you tell I have a few pent up resentments where she is concerned?
What brought on this latest red rage was a beautiful event, as it usually is. Gus said his first sentence today. As a single mom, I don't have another parent to share these types of moments with. Thankfully, my parents are deepy invovled in Gus's life so I often called them as well as Princess Buttercup and Schnookems to share the glorious news (in the past Buttercup has often been here witness these events, I don't want to discuss how depressed I am that she won't be here anymore for them. Damn you Wesley! This is not as I wished!) I called my father to tell him about Gus's wonderful sentence and he showed the joy I needed recepricated. He asked questions, was thrilled, laughed in appreciation, said how cool he thought it was. He also suggested that I call my mother. I did, she did not respond in kind. She was more concerned with outside factors, barely asked a question then moved on. I quickly responded with, "Ya know, Mom, this was a very big event that I was very excited about. You don't seem to care about it at all so I'm going to go." CLICK. Of course, added Bitch afterwards but she didn't hear it.
I partially blame myself. Afterwards, I am frustrated but hear myself saying, "She does this EVERYTIME." Well, dude, if she does this everytime, why do you expect anything different? The definition of insanity is doing the same action over and over but expecting different results. I think it's that I hold out hope that one day my mom will get it, one day she will realize what I need from her. Yes, I have told her in plain, blunt terms what I need from her. It's not as if I'm functioning with some broken heart and just wishing she would miraculously change. I've told the woman, screamed at her, pleaded with her to realize how psychotic she is. It doesn't work.
The woman doesn't get it. I don't know if she's missing something in her head or in her heart that makes her fail to see what others need from her. She constantly takes the wind out of peoples' sails and is increasingly selfish. I want to say she doesn't mean to be, that she sincerely doesn't' see these things, even after they are pointed out to her. I believe she has a severe case of the Tin Man, she just doens't have a heart.
Or she could have a case of Scarecrow and not have a brain...maybe it's just a little of both. Anyone know how to get to Oz?
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