Life Lesson #30: Old people are weird.... Part II

After yesterday's post, I kept thinking, there seems to be something missing, something is off, so I've decided to continue on with yesterday's post in hopes of completing my previous thoughts thus (cue British hat) bringing closure to my old people malfeasance's (cue Dwight K. Schrute).

Have you ever noticed that old people have the same commercials? They never change! The denture creams, the Medicare, they haven't changed in years. The old woman who's fallen and can't get up, she has to have died YEARS ago. I don't say that to be mean, I say it as a fact. It's as if they film one commercial than call it good until the product dies out, not the people in the commercial itself. I don't get it.
Also, I don't understand the elders obsession with Westerns. Maybe this is just a trend where I live but I'm thinking it's a global thing. For some unknown reason, crappy acting combined with crappy special effects and predictable story lines fascinates old people. They could watch the Western Channel for hours on end. It doesn't matter if they've seen the show or not, they love that stuff. Have you ever actually watched a Western? I don't mean something like the new True Grit or Christian Bale's 3:10 to Yuma, I mean a TRUE Western with people who are long dead and guns that pop, special effects that involve a man running with a camera in hand. These movies always involve a damsel in distress (usually a school marm), some sort of Miss Kitty (usually the town whore), a sheriff, a young boy with a one syllable name who tries to help but only gets himself into trouble, a dog, some sort of mutt and of course the villain, a guy who hasn't showered, is missing teeth, and is usually dark in appearance.

Okay, seriously, I was google searching: old western movies and the above image is what came up. WTF. First off, I think we can all assume the above cowboy is gay. Second, why do the majority of cartoons that depict cowboys have curly hair? And this hair is always peeking out under a cowboy hat that is pushed way too far back/up, as if worn by an uber nerd-cowboy. Personally, I think a cowboy should look like this:

Okay not like this but I had to post this picture. I think his owners should be reported for pet abuse. This is just plan cruel. It's an insult to dogs. And cowboys. And society in general.

 Now THAT is how a cowboy should look. And sound. And sing. Basically, he's perfect. And he can act so he's way too overqualified for any Western movie. I highly doubt any old timers know who he is. That's okay. No one will ever compare to Roy Rogers anyway.
Old people are also ridiculously loud which is quite ironic since they are always telling people to turn down music and whatnot. They talk incredibly loud, I'm assuming this is due to the fact that they can't hear so they talk loud enough to hear themselves which results in shouting. They are also very loud eaters. I don't know if this is due to the veneers or dentures or what. The food they are eating is soft, on account of the teeth, so it's not like they are munching away on pretzels or carrots. Even their breathing is uber loud. I can't really find an answer for this unless they want to hear themselves breathe in order to assure that they are still alive?
They also have...um, how should I put this...a certain musk about them. I think it's a combination of moth balls, polydent, peppermint candies from 1935 and fart. Maybe at a certain age you lose control of your sphincter (GOD THAT'S SUCH A GREAT WORD) and you fart constantly. OR maybe you just can't hear your farts so you let them rip thinking they are silent. OR maybe you just don't care what people think so you fart away. Regardless, old people have something dying inside them and when it is let out, it reeks. Bad. Really bad. As in you wish you were dead. Either way, the smell doesn't leave them, it seems to collect in their personal bubble/space, gathering strength with each passing day.
I'm sure it seems like I am just a hater of old people and that I basically want them all corralled in Florida where I don't have to deal with them but that's not true either. Trust me, when I get old, I'm going to be annoying too. You better believe I'm going to expect people to wait on me constantly (although, I already do...) and for everyone to listen to what I have to say. I'm also going to spoil little kids that I like and call out the little kids that are brats. If kids are walking on my lawn and I don't like it, I'm going to spray them with my garden hose. When parents tell their kids lies to get them to behave, I'm going to tell the kids that they are lies. When kids are being little shits, I'm going to make up lies to scare them into obedience.
However, I won't drive my own car. God, I won't be THAT annoying.