Life Lesson #69: Thou shalt not lust after a married man (or woman). It cannot end well.

Haha, 69.

Who doesn't love Billy Madison? If you don't, you are just plan un-American. And not funny. And probably extremely lame. Loser.

Anyway, back to the lesson. I'm sure at one point or another, we have all "lusted" after a married person. Lusted is yet another gross word, it's right up there with leered. Let's rethink and rewrite. We have all looked at a married person, talked with them, and/or gotten to know them and felt extremely attracted to them. Before you shake your head in disgust, let me show you something:

Married.

Married.

Married.

Married.

 If you didn't drool over ANY of those photos, than maybe you're gay (not there's anything wrong with that!) or you have really weird taste in men. Either way, I'm SURE you have at least looked at a married man/woman sometime, somewhere and lot, "Damn, I'd like to be the star on his Christmas tree!"

Now, my dear Stalkers, it is time to confess some ugly. I, your hero, your idol, have been attracted to more than one married man in my day, and not just celebrities. Yes, I know, I too feel ashamed. Don't worry, I'm still awesome and it's not like I ever did anything about it but it still makes me feel, well, like a home-wrecker.

Seriously, how great were Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? I am not a Brangelina fan. And I seriously not a fan of combining names to make a couple name. Gag me.

Have you ever met a guy and thought, wow, you're kind of well, perfect? You're totally infatuated, you gaze into the future seeing a wedding that is beautiful and your nice little daydream is shattered by five little words, "Have you met my wife?" That bitch. How dare she steal your man before you ever got the chance to meet him? Of course, she's beautiful, funny, perky (including her breasts) and is charming in every way. What a whore.

I could never knowingly sleep with a married man, never have an affair, never be "the other woman". I could never do that, not even if it was with one of the above mentioned dream boats. I couldn't be "the nanny" that slept with Jude Law or the Perkin's waitress of Tiger Woods's pick. Trust me, I know from experience. I had a guy friend, I was attracted to him long before he got hitched, than he got hitched and the jackass wanted to sleep with me! For a millisecond I thought I could go through with it but I literally got sick to my stomach. I didn't know his wife, knew nothing about her, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't live with myself. I am so happy I didn't do anything because the next day I found out that she was pregnant with their first kid, six months along-he had conveniently left that part out. Yeah, we haven't talked since. He wasn't the guy I thought he was needless to say.

Sometimes the 'perfect guy' has already found his 'perfect girl'. I always think of Alanis Morrisette's lyrics from "Ironic", It's meeting the man of my dreams than meeting his beautiful wife/Isn't it ironic? No Alanis, it's actually not ironic, it's more of a bitch, a bite in the ass, a punch right in the baby maker. I have to remind myself of Robin Williams's line from "Good Will Hunting":

You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

And there you have it, Minions. The married guy, he may be perfect but he isn't perfect for me, he's perfect for his wife, at least for the time being and that's why he's not with me. Somewhere there's someone who's perfect for me, I know because that's why Mark Salling is still single. He's simply waiting for me to find him or for GLEE to travel to where I am. It's okay, Mark, I'll wait for you...unless Joe Mauer finds me first. Than you'll be replaced.

Life Lesson #26: You can't die from boredom...but you can be driven to insanity by it.

I remember when I was just a wee little one (to be read with a Scottish accent), I would complain to my mother about being bored. Of course, my mother had neither sympathy nor empathy for me, told me to go find something to do and that I wouldn't die from boredom. Psh, she was no help.

As I've grown older, I have learned that boredom isn't just for the children. Side note: did you know a synonym for boredom is ennui? I learned that while reading trashy historical romance novels. I always thought ennui sounded like some porno word or something to do with erectile defection. Who knew? Anyway, boredom effects just as many adults as it does children and, in my opinion, effects them worse. Children, for instance, have the benefit of young minds which are easily led astray, a juvenile form of ADD. They can distract themselves with coloring books, imaginary friends, make believe, swing sets, and all sorts of other things. Adults, unfortunately, are usually bored due to uncontrollable circumstances, circumstances that can't be easily changed.

I am always bored at work. I never have enough to do and when I am given a task, it doesn't take long to complete and hardly ever involves using brain cells. It's infuriating and frustrating. How am I suppose to become unbored (no, that's not a word but I'm making it one) while sitting at a desk for 8.5 hours a day? Facebook, blogging, reading and playing Solitaire can only last so long and if I start playing make believe or talking to people who aren't there, I'll lose more than just my job. (Tomorrow's my last day, anyway, but that is a moot point where this post is concerned. Moot is another dignified word. Cue hat)
Okay, for the past 30 minutes I have tried uploading a picture of a person in a straight jacket, several different ones, and it won't let me. Odd. Does anyone else think that straight jackets look A LOT like Snuggies? Interesting...

I know other adults who get bored at parties or plays or meetings or, sadly enough, in bed. There's really nothing you can do but let your mind wander...which can be fun. Sometimes I like to make my grocery lists in my head or think about what I would do if I had the weekend free or how my wedding with Mark Salling will go...

 Hello, Gorgeous. Yes, I will marry you and I will never have ennui in your bed and I promise you won't, either...

Now him I could daydream about all day...and night but I am assuming that I would get nothing else done. And it wouldn't really cure my boredom so much as make me a giant pile of drool. Additionally, I don't think a 25 yr old drawing hearts that say Mrs. Mark Salling all over her legal pad at work looks good. Cue straight jacket Snuggie.

There's always something to do, I suppose. Whether it be catching up on correspondence (that means writing people, you youngin's), paying bills, doing laundry, dusting, vacuuming, organizing, cooking...I'm sure there is always something that needs to be done but sometimes it's not plausible to do those things, like at work or the theater. Sometimes, you are just shit out of luck...which is why Smart Phones have been invented and why Angry Birds (and games like it) are so popular. They are not only addicting but are mobile, handy and, um, SO MUCH FUN. They may be "juvenile" but since every one's doing it, it's okay. I'm sure it's how LSD was viewed in the '60s. Don't worry, Smart Phone games aren't as detrimental (cue hat) to your health and are totally legal.

The point is, boredom never leaves you, maybe when you're old and your mind has gone so you don't know you're bored, but even than you'd still be bored just not aware of it. I guess boredom just can't be avoided, like my mother or pap smears, you just have suffer through it and hope it too will pass. And, if give the choice, I would take boredom over pap smears and pap smears over my mother. Just an FYI.