Life Lesson #14: Just because you have a bank account, doesn't mean you are making bank.

For some reason, I recently had the notion that I had money. Don't get me wrong, Gus and I aren't starving nor was I going hog wild and buying lots of crazy things like Kate Spade purses or Jimmy Choo shoes.

 Hell, I was aware to the fact that I at least didn't have the extra $525.00 to spend on pumps. Although, I wish I did. Look at how gorgeous they are...
Anyway, I know my mother will no doubt chalk it up to the fact that I recently got a debit card but the truth is my little fantasy began long before my plastic buddy arrived in the mail. I think it all began with my trip to Minneapolis. You see, my friends tend to have more money than I do. Sometimes it's nice because they treat me to delicious dinners and brunches but other times, it plain sucks donkey butt.
Have you ever noticed that when women get together, they tend to act like one another? (When they are friends that is.) They talk alike, they dress in the same style, they laugh at the same things...they spend money the same way. Okay, none of that's true now that I think about it. The only thing that is is the laughing thing. My friends and I all have the same sense of humor. We all have style but not the same. We don't find the same men attractive. We have a tendency to like the same food and restaurants but not drinks. We talk different with different accents but can understand each other without words. So really, I'm just looking for a scapegoat. Crap.

*Side note: Did you know there is such a thing as a FAINTING goat? True story. They are tiny little buggers that go stock stiff when scared than fall over like they are plastic lawn decorations. You Tube it. It'll make your day. I promise.
So back to the story, I have been on a spending binge with money I don't have. Nothing astronomical that I would notice and go, "Whoa, maybe I better take a pause for the cause" but rather small things here and there: a cup of coffee at work, Starbuck's on the weekend, a toy for Gus during a Target trip, two very nice yet unnecessary trips to Hobby Lobby that I had managed to totally rationalize in my mind at the time, jewelry, more gifts for Gus, a weekend of rummage sales...these things added up without my knowledge! HOW DARE THEY?

That's right sandy kid, you tell 'em who's boss. The problem is I have quit my job in order to go back to school full-time. I know, I'm amazing like that. I went to school for three years...kind of. It was more like 50% school 50% partying...okay 30% school 70%...fine 5% school 95% partying but man, it was one great party. Anyway, now I'm going back to school full-time so that I can get a real job in the real world and make real money instead of this bullshit $10.60/hr that I make now. Seriously, that's what I make. I am below the poverty line and it ain't fun, kids so STAY IN SCHOOL AND DON'T PARTY...too much.
So I'm done with work June 30 and will have to live off my savings, the government and *shudder* my parents for the next 2-2.5 years while I get my BS in English Education. Either way, I need to save. No more gifts. No more accessories. No more ANYTHING that isn't a necessity and by necessity, I actually mean necessity not, 'If I don't get this I'm going to die!' necessity of a 13/25 year old in a sweet fashion boutiques.

It is always so disappointing to realize you are broke. It's always devastating to realize you were always broke but were spending the "money" anyway. Wouldn't it be nice if the bank just kept replenishing your account every time you took out some money? That way you would never have to worry about a thing! Wow, I guess the medicine they gave me for my strep has really gone to my head...

Life Lesson #16: Money doesn't buy happiness...but it does buy anti-depressants, which is basically the same thing.

Living in the pathetic excuse for a city that I do, we have a limited selection for radio stations. That being said, this morning I was listening to John Tesh and he posed the question, "What's the difference between you and a millionaire?" Really, John Tesh? Well, that's easy. The millionaire makes much more money, has a lot less worries and is getting laid a lot more often. What prize do I get for nailing that one? (That's what she said.)
I understand that millionaires don't have perfect lives. For instance, my great-uncle, who is a self-made multi-millionaire, is going through a divorce from his wife who has gone a little cuckoo. (At one point, she claimed he had the devil in him which is why he wanted to divorce her and if he had an exorcism, he would see the way and come back to her. You really can't argue with that.) I just don't like when people with money bitch and think that their problems are on level with my problems. You can't tell me that our problems are equal, you are not worrying about paying medical bills, where the money for your insurance is going to come from, whether or not you'll make rent, if you can afford to buy Brand Label or if you should go generic. If you have a serious medical condition, you can afford the doctors, the tests,the prescriptions. Yes, I feel bad if your marriage goes wrong but don't ask me to sympathize that you only got the house and not the house AND the yacht. Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure helps to medicate depression and to buy fun things to cope with the shitty things that happen in life. Any millionaire who says that they would have the same amount of happiness/sadness with less money has clearly never been poor or is clearly running for political office.
That being said, I know lots of people who don't have a lot of money who ARE happy. Take myself for instance, I don't have a lot of money, in fact, I don't make more than I spend in bills alone month to month. In order to get by, I have to pull from my savings from my tax refund. Does this depress me? Sure it does! It would depress anyone who has a concept of money but I don't let it get me down. What would be the point? Would it change the circumstances? Would it create more money in my bank account? If it would, I would be depressed more often in order to make a few more bucks but it doesn't change a damn thing. Instead, I spend a little more than I should and know that as long as I don't go overboard, it's okay. I like feeling good, I like buying Gus ginormous pointless stuffed animals that make him do his happy dance or a Cars book just to hear him say, "Nightning" (for Lightning McQueen) over and over. I like treating myself to a cup of Starbucks or pizza every now and then because it's not something I do frequently. It's these little things that keep me going in my poor, dreary life. You have to have these things otherwise you'll go insane, and probably because bitter and wacko like my mother.

Everyone has to find their own level of happiness. Some people need chocolate, some people need sex, some people (ahem Cocoa Von Hoffman) need bacon. But I've never come across a homeless person who was undeniably happy, I've never met a person living paycheck-to-paycheck saying this was the life they always wanted. Money doesn't buy love, it doesn't buy happiness but it helps with security, it helps to know that should something happen you'll be okay financially, it helps to know that you won't have to reassure your son that, no he was a very good boy this year, Santa isn't punishing him, it's just that Santa didn't have a very big budget this year.
I do know a few things about money. I know that when I die, I don't want to leave debts behind, that's just bad taste. I also know that I want to leave some money behind because that's the relative that everyone loves but I don't want to leave so much behind that people are wanting to off me in order to get to my money plus why save it for death when you can spend it in life? I also don't want to waste my life earning money. I want to earn it but I also want to enjoy it. I don't understand people who have all kinds of money but don't enjoy it. What's the point? If you aren't going to enjoy it than at least give it to me! I'll send you pictures of Europe and the sweet Villa in Florence you'll be buying me.

If I had money, what would I do with it? Easy, I'd have lots of Valentino and Christian Louboutin shoes to go next to my Kate Spade and Burberry purses that I'd wear when I'd travel to Italy, UK, Greece and Australia. I'd own season tickets to the Yankees and Packers. I'd have a library that would rival the best in the world.  I wouldn't have to check my bank account when I want to go shopping at Wal-Mart or need to go to the doctor. I wouldn't have to worry about governmental aid. I would buy everything in name brand, though I'd probably still shop sales because really, what woman can turn down a good sale? Most importantly, I'd be able to say to my son, "You can go to any college you want, don't worry about the money...just make sure it isn't Ohio State or Wisconsin. Those schools suck."